What it is built from
Two things. How your individual communication orientations compare across the ten dimensions, and how each of you described the relationship as a unit in the second part of the exercise.
It is not a personality test result. Nothing is being inferred about who either of you is. It is a description of what appears when your two sets of answers sit next to each other, which is why it can change when the answers do.
Why a name helps
Most couples can describe their pattern from the outside. We always end up here. They always do that. Far fewer have named one from the inside, as something both people agree is there.
That difference does a great deal of work. “You always do this” and “we have a pattern where this tends to happen” are not the same sentence. One is an accusation. The other is a description of shared ground, and only one of them can be worked on together.
When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
An unnamed pattern does not stay neutral
It collects evidence. Each time it happens it confirms something: about who your partner is, about what this relationship is, about whether any of it improves.
The origin is often completely harmless. Two people with different repair needs, neither knowing the other has different ones. But every time it plays out, both of you feel a little more entitled to your reading of it.
Sometimes couples are in a state of negative sentiment override where they assume the worst about each other’s intentions.
Dana McNeil, The Gottman Institute
What it does not tell you
It does not tell you how compatible you are. There is no ranking of types and no best one. Any type can build something excellent and any type can drift, and which happens turns almost entirely on whether the patterns get named and worked with.
It also does not tell you what is wrong. The things flagged as worth knowing are places to pay attention, not diagnoses.
The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
It describes now
Your type can change as circumstances move, as you each grow, or as you take the exercises again after a real stretch of time. It is a current description rather than a permanent one.
How to use it
Read the three things to know slowly. For each: does it ring true, does your partner recognise it, and is there something there you have felt but never said?
Then ask each other one question. Of these three, which do you most want to pay attention to? Let your answers be different, and then compare them. The difference between what each of you picked is usually worth more than the type's name.
“When you accept your partner, you also accept their influence when discussing problems.”
Maureen Werrbach, The Gottman Institute