Answer the small reaches
Most of the opportunity is not in the big conversations. It is in the ordinary moments where one of you reaches for the other and something either happens or does not.
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
Zach Brittle, The Gottman Institute
Nonverbal bids [for connection] are still bids and deserve recognition.
The Gottman Institute
Reading a line out loud. A hand on a shoulder. Asking what you want for dinner when what is really being asked is whether you are in the room. Answering those is cheap, and the cumulative effect of answering them is most of what people mean by feeling close.
Happy couples turn towards their partners approximately 20 times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions.
Dr. Ellie Wilde, The Gottman Institute
Make it safe to be honest
Nobody tells you the real version if the real version has cost them before. An environment where understanding is possible is one where being honest did not turn out badly the last few times.
“In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.”
Dr. Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight
The more honest we are, the more we can discover that our partner really loves us for who we are, and not the idealized version of us that shows up when we first begin to date.
John Gottman and others, Eight Dates
What makes it unsafe
Not anger, usually. Being corrected. Having a feeling explained back to you as though it were a mistake. Hearing something you said in confidence come back during an argument. Those are the things that teach a person to give the shorter answer next time.
Listen in a way that shows
Listening that cannot be observed does not do the work. Your partner cannot tell the difference between being heard and being waited out, so the demonstration is part of the act rather than a performance of it.
Rather than jumping in to your own argument, devote a few seconds to restating the other person’s position to demonstrate that you did indeed hear and understand it.
Julia Minson, Greater Good Magazine
Making someone you’re arguing with feel that you’re listening can calm the troubled waters, allowing both parties to get safely to the opposite shore.
Julia Minson, Greater Good Magazine
And resist the urge to fix it immediately, which is almost always offered as care and almost always lands as dismissal.
Quick advice often backfires because it solves the problem before addressing the person.
Guy Itzchakov, Psychology Today
Describe rather than diagnose
There is a large difference between telling someone what they did and telling them what they are. The first is a thing you can both look at. The second is a verdict, and verdicts end conversations.
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character.
The Gottman Institute
When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
Keep a ratio in mind
The balance between the good moments and the hard ones is not an abstraction. It is measurable, and couples who do well sit a long way from even.
For every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.
Kyle Benson, The Gottman Institute
That ratio is not built during conflict. It is built in all the ordinary hours around it, which is why the small things in this article are the ones that matter most.
“Couples in long-term relationships must turn the seemingly small and mundane into opportunities to attune to one another.”
Liz Higgins, The Gottman Institute