Knowing about, and knowing
You can know a great deal about someone and understand very little of them. You can recite their schedule, their history and their preferences, and still be guessing about what they actually need when something goes wrong.
The difference is that knowing about a person accumulates on its own. Understanding does not. It requires you to keep asking, and to keep accepting answers that differ from the ones you expected.
“When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world.”
Zach Brittle, LMHC, The Gottman Institute
Why it has to be deliberate
Left alone, your picture of your partner does not stay neutral. It gets edited by whatever has happened recently, and it tends to get less generous rather than more.
Relationship science suggests that the problem is that people tend to overemphasize the negative and underappreciate the positive when looking at their romantic partners.
Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., The Conversation
That drift has a name in the research, and it describes the state where a couple has started reading each other through the worst available interpretation.
Sometimes couples are in a state of negative sentiment override where they assume the worst about each other’s intentions.
Dana McNeil, The Gottman Institute
Nothing dramatic has to happen for a couple to arrive there. It is what happens when nobody is actively doing the other thing.
What it looks like in practice
Asking a question you do not already know the answer to. Noticing when your partner's answer surprises you and getting curious rather than correcting them. Updating what you believe about them out loud, so they know you did.
A small test
Think of something your partner cared about a year ago. Do you know whether they still do? If you are not sure, that is not a failure. It is a question worth asking this week, and the asking is the whole exercise.
Knowing the little things about your partner’s life creates a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy.
Dr. Ellie Wilde, The Gottman Institute
Understanding is not agreement
This is the part that trips couples up most often. Understanding why your partner sees something the way they do does not commit you to seeing it that way, and it does not mean you have conceded anything.
“Listening in conflict does not require agreement; it requires a willingness to understand.”
Guy Itzchakov, Psychology Today
Two people can understand each other completely and still want different things. What changes is that the disagreement stops being about whether one of them is being unreasonable.
Where Attune fits
Your results are a snapshot of what each of you said when nobody was watching. That makes them a good starting point for this kind of attention, because they give you something specific to be curious about rather than a general intention to try harder.
The insight is not the value. The conversation it opens is.
“Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, True Love