Conflict is not the variable
The intuitive theory is that good relationships have less conflict. The research does not support it.
All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict.
The Gottman Institute
Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship.
The Gottman Institute
So the question stops being how to have fewer arguments and becomes what is happening inside the ones you have.
Most disagreements never resolve, and that is fine
A large share of what couples argue about is not solvable, because it comes from a genuine difference in temperament or values rather than from a misunderstanding that can be cleared up.
Couples who do well with those do not solve them. They develop a way of talking about them that neither person dreads.
Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth.
Marni Feuerman, The Gottman Institute
Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic even though minor arguments arise occasionally.
Marni Feuerman, The Gottman Institute
What understanding does to an argument
Feeling understood changes the physiology of a hard conversation before it changes anything else. It lowers the stakes, which makes it possible to stay in the room, which is the precondition for everything useful that could happen next.
Feeling heard can reduce defensiveness and make difficult conversations feel emotionally safer.
Guy Itzchakov, Psychology Today
“Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you.”
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The alternative, and what it costs
When understanding is absent, the content of an argument stops mattering. What is being contested is no longer the dishes or the money. It is whether the other person is willing to see you.
Unhealthy conflict is characterized by the presence of criticism, defensiveness and a lack of understanding.
The Gottman Institute
That is why the same fight can return for years and never feel resolved by anything either person does. It is also why a single genuine moment of being understood can defuse something that months of negotiating could not.
Understanding is protective
The couples who weather hard seasons well are not the ones who avoided the hard subjects. They are the ones who had built an accurate picture of each other beforehand, and could draw on it when things got difficult.
Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s worlds are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.
Dr. Ellie Wilde, The Gottman Institute
“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
That is the case for doing this work in a calm month rather than a hard one. Understanding built in advance is available when you need it. Understanding attempted mid-argument rarely is.